Monday, November 7, 2011

How To Deal With Annoying People

I decided that I, being a very wise person, should probably spread my wisdom.  Right?  Right.  To do so, I am going to do some occasional advice blog posts.  If you need advice on any subject [for example, what kind of smoked oysters to buy (I suggest the ones with the picture of a geisha)], please let me know. 

First I will start off with advice on how to deal with people who annoy you.  I have tried 4 different techniques, in which I will tell you about.

1. Ignore Their Existence
People who don't exist can't annoy you.  When you see them, simply look away and think to yourself Why, that is just a figment of my imagination, and carry on with your life.  This technique is very handy to use on someone that you don't have to see very often.  But if their existence is shoved down your throat, I suggest that you consider using a different technique.

2. Creep Them Out
Fear.  One of the most convenient tools of our time.  If you can sufficiently creep somebody out, they will avoid you, therefore they would annoy you no longer.  There are many steps to this technique.  You must first start off with a creepy smile in their direction every time they are near.  If you haven't already, I advise you to practice your creepy smile in the mirror a couple of times.  Slowly build up to staring at them thoughtfully, breathing heavily in their ear, and maybe eventually send them creepy messages saying "You are out of Cheerios", or something of the sort.  Though the process could be a long one, I find this technique to be the most rewarding.

3. Do To Them What They Have Done To You
Maybe the annoying person does not know how annoying they are.  Maybe you are not the only one who is annoyed by them.  If you find that to be the case, this is the technique for you.  How is it done?  Simply annoy them right back.  For example, if they won't shut up about how cool their new IPhone is, maybe brag about the graham cracker that you ate that morning.  Be very careful that they do not know your true intentions, though, that could easily ruin everything.  If you are lucky, they will realize the fault in their ways and change.

4. Say It Like It Is
Sometimes it is best to say it like it is, regardless of how it might make them feel.  This is a very risky technique, I suggest that you do it only if you have tried the other three with no success.  You can try to mask your evil words with kindness, such as "I am sure that George over there would love your company.  He is over there.  WAY over there."  But I have found (after my brother used it on me multiple times) that the phrase "Away with ye" is most effective.  Or just tell them that they are annoying.

So those are the 4 different ways that I have dealt with annoying people.  Try out the techniques, and decide what works best for you.  Except, don't try them on me.  I know that I am pretty annoying, but I would know what you are trying to do.

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