Friday, November 25, 2011

How To Avoid The Assistance Of A Store Employee

Ah.  Black Friday.  Though much of it was spent babysitting my little cousins (unpaid and against my will, might I add.  Don't worry, I fed them nutella, chips, and kool-aid for lunch to get their parents back), I did get some shopping in.

I could be addicted to shopping.  I go shopping more than once a week.  So by now, of course, I have my own techniques and tricks.  Today I am going to share with you how to have peace while you shop, with four simple tricks.  Read on.


1. Don't Be Seen
Before you go shopping, look at yourself in the mirror and say, in your most powerful voice, "I am the ninja shopper."  That motivation may be all you need to survive a shopping trip unseen by most wandering employees.  You may have to hide behind racks of clothing or take off your shoes in order to walk quieter, but it is usually worth it.  Pretending to be a mannequin is also an effective technique.


2. Be A Foreigner
This is probably my favorite technique because I am pretty good at it (practice makes perfect).   It is really quite simple, just learn a few phrases of any language (avoid Spanish and Icelandic, those are too well known), and use them whenever the salesperson comes by.  For example, an employee says to you, "Can I help you?"  you give them a puzzled look and say, "saada oma käru ära minu muru."  They may try to make things difficult by saying, "What?"  so you could reply with something like, "palun, oma häiriv."  It is really quite effective, because usually they give up on you by then.

3. Avoid Eye Contact
Avoiding eye contact, or looking distracted, makes them think that you are too busy to associate with them, as you probably are.  When a store dude comes by, oh look, your phone is vibrating, time to talk to your friend Harriet.  Or use the "avoid eye contact app" on your IPod (I can't take credit for that one). Or maybe it would be a fantastic time to tie your shoe very slowly.  (Even if you don't have laces, you can still pretend.)

4. Be Really Creepy
It takes a good amount of creepiness to scare away a determined employee.  This is another one of those things that you need to practice in the mirror.  With your creepiest facial expression and voice, practice phrases such as, "No, but do YOU need any assistance?" (long creepy stare after that one), or, "What is your dog's name?"  If you achieve the right level of creepiness, they might leave you alone, or even better, avoid you.  If not... lick their elbow and run.

There are some of the many ways to avoid being social.  So I suggest you immediately locate a mirror, and start practicing, in  preparation for next black Friday.

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