Friday, December 23, 2011

Make Your Facebook Stalk-Worthy

Oh Facebook.  There are many reasons to use this beautiful social networking site, some more unfortunate than others.  I use Facebook for one reason, and one reason only.  To stalk people.  Yes, I spend countless hours looking at other people's profiles, whether I know them or not.

I know a lot about what people do on Facebook, and what is the most fun to stalk.  So, of course, my profile has turned into something that I consider much less annoying than most open profiles that I find.   Now I am going to teach you how to Facebook like a pro.

1. Don't Play Facebook Games
This is probably one of the most unsightly things on Facebook that you can do.  Facebook games litter your wall with useless things.  No, we are not going to help you upgrade your army, nor do we care that you found an injured cow in your empire.  And, if you are going to play those games, at least cleanse your wall of all those posts.

2. Don't "Like" Every Quote You See
Go ahead and "like" whatever nouns you like, but take it easy on the "funny", "touching", or "inspiring" lines.  Nothing is more boring to stalk than a person who's wall is filled with, "Matilda likes 'Looks like Voldemorts parents took the 'got your nose game' a bit too far'" or "Todd likes, 'Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding like the river'".  Yeah, we don't care.


3. Your Statusi Must Be Well Thought Out
In order to have a "stalk-worthy" profile, you must have interesting statusi.  Here are some things to AVOID:
  • Those quotes you "liked" (see #2)
  • Song lyrics
  • How sad you are about your failed "relationships"  (Facebook is NOT the place to pour out your heart)
  • That you are really bored
  • That you just ate a bagel, went on a walk, watched TV, etc.
Humorous sayings that you came up with BY YOURSELF are acceptable, just don't have it as your status unless they are your words, and yours alone.  Breaking news is also acceptable (things like, "I just had a baby!" or "I just became the president!")  That is, as long as it is true.


4. Take Control Of The Pictures At The Top Of Your Page
You know those five pictures that are conveniently placed at the top of your profile?  Notice how you can remove the ones you don't want there.  Ahhh.  Genius.  Only leave the ones that you find rather entertaining up there, not the ones of your socks or where you are in the background.  Especially remove it if it is one of those "tag your friends based on their personality" type thing.

5. Only Post Pictures That People Might Actually Want To See
Delete those 200 pictures of yourself that you took in the mirror.  Delete all those pictures of your cat in different costumes.  Delete all those "scenic" pictures that you took  (unless your a good photographer, of course.)  Delete all those pictures that you "Picnik"ed with absolutely no skill (resulting in a black and white picture with neon pink "best friends forever").  The best pictures are the ones of your friends.  But only the ones that are not blurry, and won't embarrass them terribly. 

That is all I got at the moment.  I hope maybe you have learned something, and if you haven't, whatever.  To each their own Facebooking techniques.  Maybe the only thing you have learned is that you should lock down your profile so that creepy people that you don't know (like me) won't investigate your whole life.

1 comment:

Trudy said...

Wow. You know your facebook etiquette! Great post!

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